aBoUT mE

01/20/24

wow! i just created my second page thats insane (not really) idk what to really "write" about i have so much homework but i think im just going to work on this and stuff, maybe play guitar or something idk

01/24/24

erghhhh i just got into a fight with my dad and i was late to school. time to go play viola to a ton of 5th graders, ill work on this page after

02/11/24

ughhh im so tired i had to spend the whole day at my brothers friends house and hang out with some 6 year old girl. i hate kids but whatever, i also have like 10 million school assignments i need to finish but whatever. i have like 2 As and 3 Fs and stuff so like yeah my grades kinda suck. I kinda forgot about Neocities again but whatever

02/12/24

AHH ok so basically i have to write like 5 essays worth of stuff by tuesday and also do a project for english by tomorrow and a project for history by thursday im panicking. I think im going to screw up my sleep schedule on purpose bc i need to do work instead of sleep my god. I just want it to be the weekend already idc if its monday i want my 4 day weekend :((((((

02/15/24

im DYING i have such bad migranes and we arent doing anything in class for some reason and i WANT to work on this page when i get home but at the same time i DONT so i guess we'll just have to see how it works out. erghhhhhh

02/23/24

i just cheated on a test, i got a 97% which is nice. im so happy its friday i just want to go home. im grounded so my only way of listening to music is from my walkman. if i didnt have that thing i think i would die

02/24/24

i feel so crappy right now. i just ruined my life for the next 4 months so im just going to sleep till then

02/24/24

i hate everything. im lying in bed and idk what to do except sleep i hate everything and right now everyone seems to be scared of me and my wellbeing, or they hate me. im tired of life and i wish i could just snap my fingers and it would be all over

02/25/24

i just watched the whole lenore series 3 times. i love her, shes just like me

02/26/24

ok ive decided that im going to start writing longer blog entries or whatever these are since they arent really blogs... i lost myself again this weekend i was really manic and insane and i dont want to go into details but everyone around me was scared of me and looking back i feel horrible. i always feel horrible, after my whole.. moment lets call it.. a moment that lasted hours... i was depressed and crappy and 2 seconds away from exploding all over again. why is life like this. i feel crazy i dont think anyone realizes that and it makes me so mad and upset, idk. right now i just want to sleep im exausted. i spelled that wrong. oh well anyway i know its all going to better when i go to orchestra, so im just trying to not vomit and die till then

02/29/24

im so tired and feel like im about to pass out. I saw a band concert yesterday, the percussion drum ensemble thing was cool but everything else sucked lmao. The lulluby they played made a baby cry... schools almost over which is good. I have guitar lessons today and last night my friend who plays bass came over and we played symphony of destruction togethor. I failed a test and am having a hard time to keep going but hey at least im going to my moms house tomorrow! lets hope my dad doesnt look through my room and underwear drawer again... ughhhh i have a really bad migraine i want to sleep.

03/02/24

03/06/24

i just took my science test... i didnt study but i dont think i did HORRIBLE i prob got a C-... or at least im HOPING i get a C-. The portal was down and we dont have school friday and are going on a field trip tomorrow so my teacher pannicked and printed out a million copies for us.. I just want to go to orchestra then skip the rest of the school day. I hate german and art rn literally the art project we're doing is so boring and my classmates in german are so annoying.

03/08/24

today started out horrible but then i finished playing the walking dead 1 and started playing 2 and i played symphony of destruction with my guitar teacher. so uhh shoutout to him ig his name's thane

03/09/24

03/10/24

i redyed my hair and now i look like trent rezner..

03/11/24

its almost 3 am and i have school tomorrow but whatever. also i love genitorturers

03/11/24

the day ended i didnt make it into an advanced orchestra thing and now im really sad but the director said she is gonna be my private lessons teacher for free and turns out shes never done that before so yeah im just gonna assume my teacher loves me. im tired and i havent slept since the morning (3 pm) i woke up at 03/10. so i havent slept in a whole entire day. thats actually not that bad ive been awake for multiple days but whatever. im sleepy but i have to do a stupid mandala by tomorrow for a stupid art class i dont even want to take so yeahhhhhhhh. I think I'm gonna do that thing where I don't sleep for 3 days straight and start hallucinating in school. last time I did that I had a full conversation in my mind with dave mustaine at a record store and we were smoking weed together and listening to NIN it was so nice. im in love with dave mustaine

03/18/24

its almost 2:30 am and im tired and listening to evanescence.. holy fuck im so tired i spelled their name right lmaoooo anyway i watched dune 2 which was good.. ummm i love nin so much i ducktaped their logo thing on my wall (actually i was just tweaking but hey at least i dont drink worm pee unlike timothee champagne) anyway umm i think im going to sleep even though i didnt do my schoolwork uhh bye

03/19/24

my dad caught me pirating a movie yesterday instead of doing school work and now im grounded but whatever uhhh yeah

03/19/24

im tired and i want to sleep but at the same time i dont and in 3 days it is spring break so just please jesus rob zombie please im praying to joey jordison rn please give me the strength to keep going until the end of the week please im so tired ahhhhhhhh

03/19/24

jesus=rob zombie

03/22/24

last day of school before spring break! tbh ive been feeling like crap all day, i just wanna go home but whatever its the middle of the school day, other than my next class all of my next classes are easy peasy and i just turned in my essay in english. i have a german test but im not too worried about it, worst case i fail my 32nd test in german this year.. this one kid in orchestra asked me if i wanted to meet this insanely good violist from my director's other class and i said idc but really i wanted to kms bc i wish i was the best and i practice so much and viola is almost my whole life but ofc there are always people better than me and when people rub it in my face i get mad, and when people act like im the best i get madder. ughhh bye ig

03/23/24

saw a horror film at the movies yesterday it was good ig. not as much gore as i hoped but still good. ummm imma go to half price books maybe and buy cds idk yet i might just do that tomorrow

03/24/24

today i just edited my neocities page, watched kurtis conner videos, and had to piss all day but didnt for some reason. also i choked on a diet coke and all of the coke like spewed out of my mouth while i was coughing and since i was covering my mouth bc i was like coughing all the coke got inside my sleeve. like the inside of my slipknot hoodies sleeve was wet for so long and my throat hurts now :/

03/26/24

i feel like crap all the time. i woke up and felt like i was going to vomit bc of how screwed up my body is from all the ibuprofen i take. i tried to stop, i was clean or whatever for a good week. but man pain killers are a whole different joy. like idek i just like taking them. i like their name. i like the aftertaste in my mouth. i like that if i take enough i become like high almost. i like that they relieve myself from my constant migraines. anyway im tired and spring break is overrated. i dont even do anything and yet im tired. man i dont even do my homework. whatever. i dont want to think about this. bc then ill be stuck thinking about it for hours like a broken record. i edited the page today. i added a ton of lyrics and images and gifs or whatever. man i feel so horrible. its almost 6 am i need to sleep. genuinly my reaction to everything in life at this point is a deep sigh to hopefully be able to catch a breath of emotion. my only good part of my day was dressing like talena atfield, eating a really good veggie pizza and drinking 2 diet cokes, and staring at the empty-closed a half hour ago ceiling of the mall while laying on a couch and listening to my iowa cd on my walkman. anyway bye i need to sleep or ill die

03/27/24

uhhhh im gonna see the second ghostbusters film today... like the new one.. but hey at least i can go to the theatres so its not all bad. istg why do they have to remake everything like you cant just be content with the originals?? shows how money hungry these movie industries are. also shows why we dont have any goofy or cool iconic films anymore. the past 10 years man movies just come and go. the 2020s dont have anything iconic everything comes and goes in a few weeks-months. wwe dont have those decade defining moments or films or anything anymore.. other than covid and trump ig. and global warming destroying the planet... oh well im just excited to get out of the house, see a movie (whether its trash or not) and drink a million slushies and diet cokes. i wanted to see another horror movie thats in the theatres rn bc i already saw one of them but since my 8 year old brothers coming we cant watch it :( oh well i might watch it with my friend.. ummm yeah ill come back to talk about how the movie went other than that im not really gonna do much today..

03/27/24

saw the kung fu panda movie instead. the fact that mr beast was in it proves how doomed we are as a society

03/28/24

i stayed up all night listening to the album beyond the valley of murderdolls 12 times. and uhh i learned dawn of the dead on guitar and uhhh i was hallucinating and daydreaming all night it was chill. i sang along to the album a couple times and was laughing so hard for no reason im suprised i didnt wake my dad up from the other room. ehhh whatever ummm im rewatching MTV's downtown rn. best show ever

03/31/24

ughhhh i have to go to my mom's bf's family's easter thing today. man whats easter even about. like ik its about jesus or whatever but man why does jesus need so many holidays. im not even christian. whatever its the middle of the night (4:30 am) i watched like a million horror movies and now im just listening to god is a lie by wednesday 13. all i can think about rn is how cool eric griffin is. i mean bro was in murderdolls AND genitorturers. AND he made out with joey jordison. AND he has cool hair. AND hes besties with wed 13. man i gotta be like that

03/31/24

04/05/24

its been a VERY busy week, i had viola lessons but then i had to skip my guitar lessons and ive been coming home from school at 8 pm every day. its friday (thank GOD) and i can do nothing woohoo! i failed 2 tests but since i studied and have been doing my hw my dads not too upset with me. i might be ungrounded this weekend?? its been like 4 months man at this point ive gotten used to it idk. i really want to get drum lessons but my dad would NEVER lmao. my viola lessons are an offer my director gave me and are free so really the only lessons my dad pays for are guitar. im self taught for drums. but whateverrr idcccc. im tired idk what to think about i wanna eat but class ends in 10 minutes and my next class im going to be presenting my ad project thing. uhhh yeah whatever bye

04/07/24

i wanna run away but im not 8 and stupid

04/07/24

i love scrawny easily dominated goth boys

04/09/24

the eclipse today was so cool what the hell!! man i wish there was a full eclipse everyday that was sic af it was like dark but it felt fake and it was just so cool like man i want that to happen again but it wont for another 400 years. the planet will explode by then!!

04/10/24

this week has sucked SO BAD this week genuinly wtf. i hate my friend she keeps leaving me. like whatever! i hate you! i made you who you are rn but ok!! idk im just tired and ready to hate everyone after the slightest inconvenience. ugh whatever i just feel like absolute dog shiesse rn

04/11/24

ughh we had like testing today and uhhh it sucked!!

04/11/24

i hate hot topic!!

04/12/24

uhhh nothing happened today

04/26/24

got a D on the last science test of the year, best case scenario if he counted the extra optional credit question as 2 points i got a C-

05/01/24

just took the last test of the year.. well second/third to last i still have an english test and my german finals. uhmmm sorry i havent been updating lately ive been kinda out of it ive just been practicing and sleeping lately bc the weather is hot and allergies make me sleepy

05/14/24

sorry ive been gone for a while ive been busy and depressed and im tired and sick rn

07/02/24

IM BACK FUCKERS! not really idk ive been just out of it and focused on other things for a while, so umm catch up time bc its been 2 months.. well ok so school ended, its my birthday in 4 days, been practicing my instruments a lot lately,i mean i always do but whatever, umm i have a disgustingly horrible sleep schedule thats driving me crazy bc i just want to be able to sleep, i feel yucky sometimes, in the midst of forming my band noseblind, ill somehow be a legal adult in 2 years and 4 days, uhhhh.. yeah i mean guestbook shut down but someone ik online found a replacement so go sign that.. some of my images are missing so thats bothering me but i dont want to fix it. does anyone even read these? like actually of u do comment it and let me know haha. ummm yeah thats it my moms bf is gonna get me a darkthrone hoodie and we're half moving into his house so we're in the process of like rebuilding the like 70 year old walls in my new room haha. fuck umm oh and my computer broke.. im on my moms bf's extra chromebook rn sooooo yeah fuck. bye.

07/02/24

fixed the missing images problem, added more images, fixed a few more issues, added a page that was meant only to call you a dumbass, fuckhead, show off my mediocre html skills or whatever with the rerouting, and with the always in construction image. its 5:31 am i can finally sleep now.

07/02/24

here to say that i am not tcc please stay away from me if u r you guys suck and get NO bitches

07/03/24

watched a really gorey slasher film last night of a mom getting possesed it was really campy and amazing but the cgi SUCKEDDDDD made the movie shit.. almost

07/05/24

watching daria and being a steryotypical teenage goth girl. and its my b day tomorrow. and.. uhh.. yeah bye

07/29/24

hey!! ok umm im back again, basically school starts in a few weeks, so i need to get ready for that. i fell in love with a dude that looks exactly like joey jordison (in a freaky way istg hes a complete doppleganger) or whatever.. he has long hair, pretty decent music taste, and his names Nathan. he also plays violin.. so we're both in orchestra. hes so amazing i hate falling in love ahh!! anyway umm my moms going to court like so my dad actually pays child support. and he hates me now and is threatening my mom but idc!! hes an abuser and you know what? my mom deserves that money!! its her right as my mother!! anyway thats pretty much it. im just gonna keep listening to my candyass cd on my walkman and edit this sight..

07/30/24

uhh yeah editing the page

08/04/24

school starts on the 15th, i have a shit sleep schedule still, im watching the queen tiffy from raw time, and ive been updating the site regulary. im gonna help my mom move out, and my dad hates me but idc since my moms gonna take full custody of me....

08/06/24

ummmmmmmm saw the movie romulus. and uhh yeah idk bye!!

08/21/24

i dont feel good, the anxiety coming from my family is wearing me down to the point where im physically hurting. school started, sorry i didnt edit this site in a bit ive been obviously preoccupied. ummm yeah, ive been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately, right now im reading his book beyond good and evil. I put kathleen hanna's rebel girl on hold at the library but after 2 weeks its still! not ready. im tired.. i prob wont edit this page in a bit.. sorry! i really dont want to go home, i dont want to see my dad. im in study hall rn. uhhh we were playing a piece in orchestra today it was pretty cool. it feels good to be in an orchestra setting again since last time i was in one was at camp where i literally met the love of my life. speaking of, theres a cute guy in my orchestra class, i think he likes me? to be honest i dont really like him. Im still stuck with the idea of nathan, i cant stop thinking about him. but the other guys really cute, i think im trying to move on bc it never even happened!! nothing happened he prob doesnt even know my name or remember me or anything but whatever. im scared to go home i dont want to see my dad especially after what happened yesterday which i dont want to talk about. i want to see my mom and i want that guy in my orchestra class to ask me for my number bc im a complete loser and would die if i even attempted to. so yeah anyways im going to go now :/

09/06/24

OK umm so I started the school year off great I got a 100% on my physics test today and prob like a B in my german test and a 97% on my math test the other day. I fucking hate algebra but its ok im not a loser i swear i have good grades so far im locked this year IM LOCKED. I haven't seen Nathan since camp and it kind of breaks my heart but yeah, I dont even know if I'll ever see him again, he might be in college tbh I dont even know FOR SURE how old he is? whatever i hope ill see him this summer. or sooner. maybe. on another note though i have literally no friends so im always looking at highschool as sort of an outside perspective? i literally have 2 friends and dont talk to anyone its been like that for a while now. theres a guy in my ela whos actually really nice to me and we've been talking in class and stuff but i think he likes me so now i think i might have to shut him off bc i dont like him back and i dont want him getting pissed at me for something i cant control. also hes really annoying like I DONT CARE IF YOUR PENIS IS SMALL? whyd he tell me that, like literally if i could use emojis on here it would just be the skull and sobbing emojis over and over for the next 10 years. oh and there was a round of ammunition found on one of the staircases at my school. thank GOD there was no shooting tho i think i would die, anyway yeah i changed my email so if anyone wants to chat then its alexmadnessreturns@outlook.com dont be weird tho or ill block and report u in an INSTANT bc i am literally a minor i am in highschool you CREEP!!!!! anyway yeah bye!!!!!!!!

09/06/24

OH YEAH I ALSO forgot to mention i got hit by a car two weeks ago and im fine but my bikes abck wheel was busted and the people who hit me felt really bad and sent us a hand made im sorry card and 250 bucks and i feel horrible and also i could have died but anyway my moms bf is fixing my bikes back wheel so im just going to spend the 250 dollars on band equipment. my band doesnt have like any members sort of idk its just me right now bc im still making flyers for people to join and im just sort of doing stuff right now? outside of orchestra and school band stuff has been my entire life

09/06/24

ok wait last thing i forgot to say there was a round of ammunition found on one of the staircases in my school and today was extremely freaky bc of it. it was obvious nothing was going to happen but there was sort of a sense in the air of unsettling like moments idk how to describe this it was like everyone was just holding their breath. there were cops and dogs around our school and yeah. nothing happened but that was kinda wild. bye

10/03/24

its been a hot minute since ive updated this site... mb!!! a lot has happened btu at the same time that "a lot" is just life so im not updating u guys on all of ti mb!!! i just havent been online much lately in general i mean i am but im just not too reliant on it, i mean i dont think i ever have been. and when it comes to this site ive just been lazy sorry :( its october!!!! its literally halloween its wild. i have an orchestra concert next Thursday. uhhhh i made a new friend idk if i said that last time i was on here. who tf actually reads these i mean ik one person said they did but like... idk. im so tired!! my gothic pixie persona (a joke with my friend) is like alive now im not even kidding my friend drew the silliest drawing of me as a fairy and signed it as alex pixie and its on my phone case now. we finally moved, we still have to paint my furniture tho.. and stuff.. we're still saying at my moms bf's house for another week soo i guess technically we didnt but at the same time i swear we did. im def failing the retake for my already failed german test again today i forgot to study. im screwed. also i literally said i wasnt gonna update u guys on my life but then i literally did. but i didnt update that much but yeah idk whatever idc. also i really hate every single human being online like genuinly you guys are cringe af like wtf. "im just a poor y2k goth girl talena atfield teehee" wtf r u ok. like actually. im just online when i want to do cool crap like this site and when i want to find like cool stuff on bands or kjust anything i like like cool interviews or pictures or something but like my actual online PRESENCE? get out. its nonexistent so if your looking for that haha you actual loser your not gonna find it. also who the actual fuck likes limp bizkit. gothic fairy princess, alex pixie is gonna go fly away now weooweeoo (translation: im done updating this)